I’ve been simultaneously learning jQuery and reading why’s (poignant) Guide to Ruby, so I suppose something like this was inevitable. This particular synchronization problem really gave me trouble, because a lot of existing documentation implies (or flat out states) that chains and callbacks are interchangeable. Turns out they’re not.
—
The bird of your mind’s eye
Bring into your mind a small bird. Don’t just imagine the bird; then it would be only imaginary and hardly merit discussion. No, this will be a real bird, more real than you could possibly imagine. Think hard on flying, on the breeze, on the clouds in the sky, on the bugs and worms down below. Do you see the bird? There she is, on your windowsill, whistling “Sweet Caroline” in a heart-breaking contralto. Open the window and allow her to alight on your shoulder. Wipe the single tear from your eye, then invite her in for tea.
Enjoy your tea together. Sing songs and tell tales of your mighty deeds. The bird will be glad of the company; she has long been alone, flapping about in the recesses of your psyche.
But you’ve forgotten yourself as a host, haven’t you? To offer tea without even a light snack? An unspeakable offence. Do beg your guest forgiveness for your lack of consideration, then amble to the kitchen to prepare a morsel.
You will need all of your culinary cunning to make up for your transgression. Perhaps an airy cake, reminiscent of her beloved sky? Yes, that would be good. The cake will be spiced with earthy cinnamon and aromatic cloves. Its crumb will be the tenderest ever born of your oven.
After a time, the cake is finished; prod it gently to be sure it is done. Take a piece of your new-made confection and feed it to your bird-friend. Then watch in horror as she furls up into nothing: her tiny feet retreat into her legs, her legs pull into her body, the body withers into nothing, and finally even the head, whistling a mournful note, disappears and is gone.
For those who sail the seas are as the waves: peregrine, forever traveling, origin and destination unknown. They seem to drift aimlessly, subject to the whims and eddies of Poseidon. But no, they seek with purpose, and like the waves crash wrathfully on the beasts of the water. But even the hunt that drives them is merest semblance.
Filed under: Fiction, R-R-Random | Tags: Crime and Punishment, high school, literature, parody
I dug up this old high school piece that I’m quite proud of. The assignment was to write a short story parodying Crime and Punishment. Most people in the class chose to basically recreate the same plot with different characters; my partner (Adam “Polish” Peczalski) and I went for the throat, taking all of the things we found obnoxious about the book and cramming them into three pages of text. This is basically how I did all of my assignments in eleventh-grade English, and I got A’s on most of them so I must have been doing something right.
The story is essentially an alternative ending to the book. If you’ve never read Crime and Punishment, you probably won’t find this especially amusing. Oh well.
—
Raskolnikov ambled down the streets of V———, muttering to himself. “I haven’t eaten . . . for almost . . . a week now . . . . Do I even deserve to eat? If I eat, they may suspect . . . but if I don’t eat . . . it will only be more evidence of my insanity!” In his delirious stupor, he stumbled over a stone and fell immediately asleep in the bushes on the side of the road.
As he slept fitfully, he began to feel a great weight upon him. He could not make out the nature of the shape; he saw only darkness pressing upon him. The weight pressed against his chest, making it difficult to breathe. “What does this mean?” he thought to himself. “The press of this darkness . . . is suffocating . . . .”
Suddenly, he awoke to find, to his utter surprise, a small kitten sitting on his face, impairing his ability to breathe. He began to mumble to himself aimlessly about this, but found that he could not, as there was a kitten on his face. Surprised at this new turn of events, he decided that, although it may not turn out to be the wisest choice in the future, it would be best to remove the kitten from his face.
Sitting up, he looked at the kitten now sitting next to him, looking at him with its big black eyes. “So, Cat, you have come to me too. Do you ask me too to confess . . . just like the rest of them? You think that just because I have committed this heinous crime, I deserve punishment! What have I done wrong . . . I have only tried to do what is best . . . but then . . . what have I done right? Oh, Cat! I fear that you are right in this . . . though my goal was to further society, the results of my actions have helped only a few, least of all myself . . . very well; I will go. . . .” Resolved to this new course of action, he promptly got up and immediately fell down again; his poor health made it difficult for him to move quickly. Dragging himself slowly to his feet, he began to trudge his way down the X——— Street to the police station.
Finally reaching the police station, he went up to the office of Ilya Petrovitch, the Explosive Lieutenant. As he stood at the door, he decided that it would be unwise to confess to this particular police officer. “The police have nothing but contempt for me, thanks to the accusations of that Porfiry Petrovitch! I will not receive the justice I deserve from the likes of him.”
He opened the door and surveyed the scene within. In front of him was the desk, at which sat Ilya Petrovich. A lone window let a single beam of light into the room. The light fell on a potted plant, and it was to this that Raskolnikov now turned.
“Oh plant . . . ,” he began, but was unable to continue. His mind reeled: was this really the way to go? Must he turn himself in, even to this fine example of Perovskia Atriplicifolia? Bewildered, he left the offices and stumbled down the stairs. When he reached the door, he smiled an ugly, meaningless smile. He was free! Nobody could tell him what to do! As he gazed over the city that was now his domain, his eyes fell again the kitten.
“Cat!” he cried. “Have you returned to torment me? Is a small, fluffy mammal to make demands of me . . . ?” But then, as he gazed into the kitten’s eyes, a wave of guilt washed over him, knocking him back up the stairs. As the shame pushed him up the three flights, he realized that he must go through with this: “I can not . . . let others suffer for this . . . when my goal was only to help!” Finally, beached in Ilya Petrovich’s office once again, he turned to the plant in the corner. He fell to his knees; “Oh plant . . . I must confess . . . it was . . .”
Suddenly, the window shattered into infinitesimally small pieces as a suited man swung through and rolled into the room. He stood in the middle of the office, tall, majestic, and partially bald. The room filled with silence as he began to speak: “Bob Dole says it was Bob Dole killed the old pawnbroker woman and her sister Lizaveta with an axe and robbed them.”
Конец.
For the convenience of anyone who might possibly care (probably just me), here are all the columns written by me published in The Minnesota Daily, plus some commentary for giggles. It’s worth noting that these are the web-published versions which, as it turns out, are not necessarily identical to the print versions and may be fairly different from the originally submitted version.
Hopefully the Daily will keep their archives consistent long enough for these links to stay valid.
